Homesick With Lea Morgan

Homesick

AUTHOR: LEA MORGAN | VISIT WEBSITE

“Got a notion to say what doesn’t feel right
I just wanted to know if I could go home” - Notion by Kings of Leon

I was 26 or 27 — not sure which. I had a wonderful home, job and boyfriend. I was admittedly still in the throws of dealing with the wreckage of my alcoholic father but had managed to come out of the instability of that situation with a seemingly stable life for myself.

My boyfriend and I had been out for the evening. I was drunk and I’m not quite sure what prompted us to start making our way home. I do know we were in a cab and I was crying. This was not unusual. My inability to access my feelings on a regular basis resulted in most of them coming out when I was drinking and not able to keep them under wraps. Regularly, the feelings I expressed in these situations had nothing to do with the immediate circumstances.

So, I’m crying and repeating the phrase, “I want to go home.” My boyfriend very patiently continued to remind me that we were, in fact, on our way home. The taxi pulled into my driveway and we got out. I continued to wail, “I want to go home!” Of course, this really confused my boyfriend as he tried to explain to me that we were home. I would have none of it. I repeated my desire over and over. I was inconsolable. I never conceded to being home. I don’t remember what happened next.

Much later in life, as I started to recover from my own alcoholism and unravel my feelings, this event still stuck in my mind. I remembered the wanting to be home feeling as acutely as if it had happened yesterday. I knew that I recognized we were at my house. Although I had no idea what I was asking for, I knew that was not it.  And now, without alcohol to use, I was faced with the memory of that feeling and searching for what it was about.

My sobriety also brought to light my insatiable attraction to the world of Spirit. As my relationship with the God of my understanding grew, so did my remembering that this was where I felt at home. This place I could reach during prayer and meditation; this place I read about in books; this was the place I had been looking for.

Around this time Kings of Leon released a song called Notion. The very first time I heard it, all my internal signals went off, saying, “That’s it! That’s how I felt.” Of course, I have no idea what the band intended for the meaning of this song. It doesn’t really matter since when I heard the lyrics that stated, “So don’t knock it, don’t knock it, you’ve been here before,” I started to feel that there was hope that I could actually do this. I could find a way to be here and even to be content and happy.

Now that I know I am gifted with communicating with spirit, I also know that this gift usually comes with a thinner veil between our Spirit selves and our incarnated body — a type of setup to make us more likely to remember our gifts and use them. I had come here with some sort of deep memory of another place, another way of being. And, I just had a hell of time reconciling something I knew deep in my soul with what I was experiencing on Earth. I was begging to go back to Spirit. All my suicidal ideations and attempts were because the circumstances of this world and my unhealthy responses to them were too much for me and I had a subconscious memory of the ease, love and peace of my real home.

I know that not everyone will relate to this sort of overwhelming need — or not feeling at home on Earth. But, with the chance that someone will, I want you to know that by getting sober, facing who I am and finding tools to both use and protect my empathic nature, I have not only accepted being here, I am now committed to enjoying the ride and being of as much service as possible until I naturally return home again. Until then, I won’t knock it. I’ve been here before.